


The Shadow of Time

by vogue91



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Boredom, Brothers, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Not Canon Compliant, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 07:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13970001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: And now Jasper Hale, the cheap imitation of the Jasper Whitlock he had once been, was subdued by the worst of evils: boredom.





	The Shadow of Time

_It’ll come tomorrow, some more time_

_It’ll come running, like a lightning_

_And I, indifferent,_

_Bored,_

_Undecided,_

_Will let it pass._

He didn’t feel a thing anymore.

He had spent his entire existence making the most of all he could take, that could’ve become his.

And now Jasper Hale, the cheap imitation of the Jasper Whitlock he had once been, was subdued by the worst of evils: boredom.

He looked outside the window of the hotel, situated in the centre of Volterra, and grimaced. He saw people, those little, insignificant beings, walking through the streets of the ancient town, careless and happy, unaware of the luck they had by being simple humans.

He sighed.

They were there because of Carlisle. The Volturi had asked for his presence, more firmly than a simple invitation would’ve asked for, and the vampire had accepted with no qualms, convinced that establishing a dialogue with them would’ve simplified Bella’s and the rest of the family’s fate. Nevertheless, they had all left, Bella included. Carlisle didn’t want to risk to be alone, in case things wouldn’t have gone the way he had planned.

That was why Jasper was there, with too much time to think. It was May, and the Tuscany’s sky didn’t seem to know what a cloud was. Everything was drowned in the rays of a sun that Jasper was starting to hate. That star meant reclusion for him, nothing more.

He forced himself to stand up, so that he wouldn’t have looked outside anymore, convinced that if he had kept doing that he would’ve brought himself to madness. He went to the suite’s living room where he found Bella, sitting on the couch reading. When she heard him coming she turned and closed the book. It took her a great effort to keep still; she still didn’t feel completely safe with the blond vampire, and Jasper’s irises, dangerously close to black, didn’t help.

Jasper sighed, and used his skills to calm her down.

“It’s not fair.” she said. He smiled, tentatively.

“But it’s definitely useful.” he answered. He kept his distance, trying to ignore the girl’s scent that was violently worming its way inside his throat.

“Carlisle isn’t back yet.” she informed him, believing it was the eldest vampire Jasper was looking for, but he shook his head.

“I didn’t come for him. I was just tired of my room.” he told her.

“A vampire getting tired of something?” she mocked him. “That’s new.”

He stiffened.

“You humans are so terribly dense at times.” he hissed. She became more serious, understanding she had hit a sore spot.

“I’m... I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...”

“You can’t understand it, can you? Can you understand how horrible is our life?” he grinned. “For you we’re just beautiful, strong and fast. And we have all any living thing on the earth is looking for: eternity.” he paused. “Well, none of you has ever understood how eternity can be a slow and inexorable agony.” he snarled.

She got scared again.

“Forgive me. I thought you were... you know, happy. With Alice, and all.” Jasper calmed down.

“I love Alice. But sometimes it’s not enough.” he said. “I fight boredom every day, and it’s against my nature. I see human lives going away, and at times I surprise myself hoping I could end up the same. It’s not easy living constantly with something that others couldn’t possibly understand. And Carlisle’s lifestyle...” he hesitated, looking for the right words as to not scare Bella any more than this. “Of course it’s something that gets us closer to the human beings. But at the same times it gets us far from them. I’ve been with the Cullens for a long time now, and you don’t know how many times we’ve had to run from places where we had put down roots, just to avoid being exposed.” Bella listened to him, captivated by the melancholy in his voice. “You don’t know how much I envy my brother. His control. His bravery. Edward can stay close to you and be almost insensitive to it, while I can’t control what I feel any time you or another human being is close.” Bella was sure that the vampire was thinking back at her birthday.

“You’re less trained, Jasper. You’ll see, in time you’ll manage to have the same control the others do.” she tried to reassure him, but he got irritated.

“Time? I’m tired of time going by, always going by and never changing. Tired of living every day like the last one.” he sighed. “I regret life as a human, you can’t even understand how bad.”

“I didn’t think you were so bothered by being a vampire.” despite all, he smiled.

“I didn’t mind it when I was like all the others, meaning nothing more than a machine. Now, instead... I feel I have a conscience of my own.” he groaned. “I know it’s not a nice thing to say, but you don’t know how bad it feels being able to discern the right choices from the wrong ones.” he finished, then left her alone to think about what he had just said. He wasn’t going to be the one he was before, with Maria, it wasn’t possible. But he still could regret that lack of uncertainties of that Jasper Whitlock that was by now dead and buried.

 

~

 

When night came, Jasper cursed all his thoughts: he had hoped that darkness would’ve taken away that feeling of oppression and imprisonment, but nothing had changed. He wasn’t a slave to light anymore, but he still was to his nature. Lost in the recesses of his melancholy, he heard distinctively Bella’s regular breath; she was sleeping in the room next door, and with her breathing came her scent as well. He took a glass, gripped it tight and broke it in a thousand pieces.

He wasn’t willing to spend that night like he had done all the others.

That night, he had decided, would’ve been eternal, just like his damnation seemed to him.

He went out the hotel at around midnight. He arrived to the Duomo’s square, almost deserted. Just a few souls were still wondering through the town. They were mostly kids, noisy, in sizeable groups, the greatest part of them drunk.

Jasper would’ve needed a drink, intoxication, something to erase all the regrets in his memory. Yet not alcohol nor drugs would’ve had any effect on his unassailable organism. He was just _thirsty_. And not just of that thirst that his eyes let on; no, he was thirsty with life, and he was denied it. He was glad about one thing only: he was into the right town for that sense inconclusiveness.

It was like that, and he found himself standing in front of Caius, Marcus and Aro. The three millennial vampires stared at him, Aro amused, Caius bothered and Marcus indifferent.

“What a nice surprise! Two Cullens in just one day!” Aro exclaimed, with his usual enthusiasm. Jasper bowed a little.

“Good evening.” he said, formally.

“Tell me, what brings you here young one?” the vampire asked, curious. “I hope you have got a tad more sense than your family members, and aren’t here to intercede on behalf of that _splendid_ human girl.”

“If Bella gets turned or not, it’s not a problem of mine. My interests are others.” he said, cold.

“Please, I’m listening.” Aro said, and Caius sighed dramatically.

“I’ve come to bring to you the same request my brother did some time ago.” he said, concise.

“Death?” Aro seemed  surprised.

“Exactly.”

“Your lifestyle doesn’t have to be as satisfying as Carlisle says, if in a few months already two of you have come here asking to be killed.” Caius intervened, sarcastic.

“Lifestyle has got nothing to do with it. It’s a need of mine, different from Edward’s.”

“So you didn’t lose anybody? I propose you think about it, whatever your qualms are. Your brother has been rushing, and he was about to face a catastrophe.” Aro invited him to ponder, then he went down the few steps dividing them and reached out a hand. Jasper pulled back.

“Is it really necessary that you know my thoughts for me to die?” he argued. Aro smiled.

“No. But I find your request interesting. Edward has taken care to explain the reason behind it, while your reticence makes me curious.” Jasper sighed, then he went closer and held his hand out for the vampire. Aro took it and closed his eyes. Less than a minute before, they were open again.

“A lot of us, sooner or later, have felt like you are feeling right now.” he smiled, malicious. “And I suppose the deprivation of the human blood you were accustomed to has a bearing on this sense of inadequacy.” he provoked him. Jasper lowered his eyes.

“I miss it, but it’s not why I’m here. If that was the problem, I could just feed on humans again, instead of animals.” he lied, pretending that it was easier than it actually was. Aro stared at him, doubtful.

“Go back to your family, Jasper. Go to Alice. Talk to Edward, to Carlisle.” he smiled. “Tomorrow night come back, and you’ll tell us your final decision.” Jasper got exasperated.

“My decision is already final.” he said, but Aro was inflexible.

“It’s true that you Cullens think we’re monsters. But, at least we have a good reason, I respect my own kind’s life.” and that been said, he went back to the others. “See you tomorrow, Jasper. Think about it.” he dismissed the younger one.

The vampire went away, without saying a word. He went back to the square; now, it was truly empty.

The imagined it was quite hot but, of course, he couldn’t actually feel it. He walked for a long time, trying to measure his steps, or he would’ve risked to soon come to France.

After a few hours he looked at the sky. It was starting to get clearer from the dawn. He sighed. His imprisonment was starting again.

He ran toward the hotel, faster than necessary, for he didn’t want the rays of sun to surprise him.

Alice was inside the room, sitting on the bed. She had probably foresaw his coming back. And, he cursed himself, she probably had also saw his meeting with Aro. Her face was tense.

“Alice...” he whispered. She barely raised her eyes, accusing.

“Can you please tell me why I see you die tomorrow, Jasper?” she asked, her voice trembling from anger. He sighed.

“I’m sorry.” he said. “I can’t go on like this. You see yourself I’m different from all of you. And I can’t live every moment scared of the next one coming. I’m a weight for you, for Carlisle, for Esme, for Edward.” he swallowed. “And for Bella. You know that while I’m still around she’s in constant danger.”

Alice got even madder.

“Jasper Whitlock, don’t mess with me. Bella would be in danger even if she were to trip on a loose floorboard! And you’re no weight to no one.” she stood up, getting closer to him. “Can’t you really see that we all love you?”

“Then explain to me why I can’t escape the feeling that there’s something awfully _wrong_ with my whole existence!” she hugged him.

“How can you be wrong when you’re able to make me this happy?” he didn’t answer and she pulled back, impatient. “I sincerely hope you’ve listened to Aro’s words. And that you will talk to Edward. It’s the best advice he could’ve given you.” she said bitterly, them left the room, with a little less grace than usual. Jasper hadn’t really taken her gift into consideration, while plotting his big plan.

He hadn’t thought that she, once he would’ve made his choice, would’ve seen everything.

He didn’t want to tell her, to avoid her that pain, that impotence that she felt in trying to convince him. But on the other hand, this way he would’ve been allowed to say goodbye.

Soon after, he was knocking on the room next door.

“Come on in.” he head Edward whisper. He saw him lying next to Bella, who was still sleeping. He was surprised in seeing him. They kept quiet for a few seconds, what it took Edward to look through his brother’s thoughts. When he was done, he looked at him with his eyes wide open. He left his place next to the girl and together they went out the room.

“Are gone completely insane?” he asked, once they were in the living room. He grinned.

“And you’re the one to talk? Didn’t you make this very same decision a few months ago?”

“It was different Jazz, and you know it too. I thought Bella was dead.”

“And going on like this, I will be. Except I’ll keep living, of course.” Jasper snarled.

“What about Alice? It really doesn’t bother you leaving her?” Jasper felt guilty.

 _“Do you really think I’m not afraid?”_ he thought, as incapable of talking about it. Edward sighed.

“Esme will be crushed. Just like everybody else.”

“You’ll get used to it. As if I have been transient.”

“Except you’re not. You’re a son to Esme and Carlisle, you’re a brother to me, Emmett, Rosalie... and for Bella as well.”

“For Bella, really? A brother or a monster?”

“You self-loathe too much, Jasper. None of us has ever seen you like a monster, even though you keep trying to convince us of the contrary.”

“Yes, Edward, but nothing ever changes here. I stay the same, world stays the same. I don’t understand how do you keep living, well, _existing_ like this. But I can’t.” Edward rested a hand on his shoulder.

“I’ve always been this family’s hothead. And I’ve always got it all wrong. You’re better than me, try not to make the same mistakes I did.” he said, then he went for a quick hug.

When they split, Edward went back to Bella. Before disappearing, he glanced at him, sad.

He had managed to make him doubt, for a second. What he wanted was to die, not to cause useless pain to the others. But he didn’t know how to conciliate the two things. He went upstairs to his and Alice’s room.

The vampire was back, by then; her face hadn’t changed, for her vision hadn’t either. He sat close to her, without saying a word. Then, all of a sudden, he took her face in his hands and pulled her toward him, kissing her. She didn’t resist it, on the contrary, she kissed him back violently, almost as if she wanted to hurt him, punishing him for his decision. They laid back on the bed, getting quickly rid of their clothes.  He stopped for a moment, the look in his eyes determined.

“I love you, Alice.” he whispered. He saw her changing her expression, and he was sure that if she could’ve, she would’ve cried. It lasted a few seconds, then they were kissing again, tasting each other as if they wanted to eat the other, from the rush and the repression of hostile feelings that they were putting into touching each other. When he got inside of her, Alice moaned more than necessary, and in that moan, almost a suffocated scream, there was everything: the pleasure of being so close to him, the pain for his stubbornness, anxiety, fear. They were joined in their bodies, their sensations, their minds. When they both reached their apex, they let go on the bed, still holding on to each other.

“Don’t.” she murmured, after what had felt like hours.

He sighed.

“I’ve got a good reason not to.” he admitted. “By I still have to deal with myself.” he told her.

“I hope you’ll make the right choice.” she said, getting up. She got dressed and went downstairs, wanting to leave him alone, wanting him to think, not to hear other people’s opinions, but to get convinced of his own, that he matured them.

Jasper understood she loved him, he truly understood it in that moment, after all those years. Because only a person who truly loves you is able of letting you go. And then he decided to take advantage of that moment she had given him to think about it one more time.

It was nine in the morning. A little less than fifteen hours, and he was going to deliver his final verdict.

Now he was more confused than ever, which was what he wanted to avoid in the first place. He wanted to make his choice in a way, if not serene, at least resigned. He didn’t know how right had been his sleeping with Alice. Being so close, just to be the farthest apart.

He thought about what Aro had told him, about Edward’s words, and even to Bella’s, the past morning. She would’ve given anything for immortality, which would’ve allowed her to be with Edward forever. He smiled, thinking that what she desired the most would’ve soon lead him to his death.

Then he took into consideration human beings, in general. So silly for the most part, they wasted their time, one shallowness after the other. There had to be something between the eternity and the moment.

His family... Edward was right, they w _ere_ a family. Esme and Carlisle would’ve felt exactly like any other parents when a child of them dies. He tried not to think about Esme’s face when she had come to know that Edward had gone to Italy, in vain.

He saw once again the horror, the pain, the agony on her face. He shivered at the thought of being the one to make her feel like that again.

And in the end... Alice. He remembered with a smile the day she had saved him. That little witch had always known him, finding a way to never be known fully. She was always able to surprise him, to make him smile... she had been capable of going over all his reticence with just one look. And it was out of his love for her that he had stayed with the Cullens, that he had given up on what had been his creed for his whole life.

And now that life was consuming him from the inside, stronger than a vampire, stronger than a lycanthrope, stronger than a demon, time was eroding his existence.

He sighed. He still wasn’t sure about what he was going to tell Aro. He decided to go downstairs, to spend with all the others what could’ve been his last day on earth.

He saw Emmett playing chess with Carlisle, Rosalie and Alice watching something to the TV and Esme inside the small kitchen, insisting to make Bella something to eat, while the girl tried to tell her that it wasn’t necessary; Edward, by her side, chuckled.

“Good morning.” he told everyone, coming in. Emmett raised his eyes from the board.

“’Morning, sleepyhead.” he mocked his brother. “Did you keep late hours last night?” he stared at his eyes, darker today.

“I didn’t go hunting. I walked around town.” he said, thinking it wasn’t a whole lie. Then he faced the wall created by Bella’s scent, he went to Esme and kissed her cheek. “Hi, mom.” he said, to make her happy. And she smiled, satisfied.

“Since when are you so affectionate?” she asked, ruffling his hair. Alice looked at him for a split second, nobody noticed, then returned her attention to the screen.

“I’m in a good mood.” and this was an outward lie. He went sitting down on an armchair, in the corner of the room, so that he could look at all of them. While he stared at them, Edward sneaked behind his back.

 _“No, I still haven’t made a decision.”_ he thought, before his brother could say anything. Edward smiled.

“This means you’ve not decided for the ‘yes’. It’s a good new, all in all.” he whispered, so low that no one heard him.

_“You’re an eternal optimist.”_

“At times.” he turned serious again. “Did you talk to Alice?” he asked. Jasper nodded.

“Of course I did, or I wouldn’t be so confused.” Edward put a hand on his shoulder.

“You’ll see, when you’ll be in front of Aro you’ll know what’s the right choice.”

_“I hope so.”_

~

 

The night was waiting for him. The sky had covered in thick black clouds, covering moon and stars.

 _Nothing more suited to my mood._ Jasper thought. He went to the door, but he stopped for a moment when he saw Alice sitting in front of a computer. He grabbed her wrist, pulling her toward him.

“I’m going.” he just said.

“See you later.” she replied, in a last spurt of hope. “I love you.” she whispered, kissing him. He went out, without lingering any longer.

He went through the square faster than the night before, all his body drenched in anxiety. He was once again admitted in front of the Volturi, that were waiting for him.

“Jasper! How nice to see you.” Aro said. The vampire didn’t know whether to get offended or not, but decided to let it go.

“Good evening, Aro.” he said, without minding the other two, just like they didn’t mind him.

“And so... did you think about what I told you last night?” he asked.

“I did. And I talked to some of my family as well.” again, Aro held out a hand and Jasper, even more reluctant than the night before, took it.

“Your brother Edward is wiser for other people than he is for himself.” he commented in the end, chuckling. “So... are you ready to tell me your decision?” if Jasper’s heart could’ve beaten, in that moment it would’ve broken through his chest. In his mind there were a thousand images. The first time he had seen Alice, last night with her, when they had met the Cullens, the days when he fought alongside Maria, Bella’s last birthday... and after a few seconds, he raised his eyes.

“I’ve thought thoroughly about it. And I’ve decided I actually don’t want to die.” he breathed, as if it had been ages since he had last done it.

“Good.” Aro said, while Caius and Marcus became even more indifferent, if possible. “I’m glad you’ve decided to take a step bac. After all, it would’ve been a waste to suppress your potential.”

Jasper was quick to go away, before the older vampire at time to throw any proposes at him.

“I have to go now. I’ve got so many things to do, and so _little_ time.” he said, turning back and walking away.

He couldn’t wait to go back to the people he loved and, he thought with a smile, who loved him back.


End file.
